Why You Are Attracted To Unavailable Partners
Some of the most consistent readings I have done of “waiting for that special, right for me person to come around and see that I am right for him/her,” almost never turns out well for the person doing the waiting.
Whether it is being involved with a married man who is waiting for the right moment to leave his wife or the boyfriend who just will not commit. I have always been amazed at some of the long time frames they are willing to wait, still expecting it to happen.
My answer is to always bring it back to their definition of love which is: you must go after the unattainable (as in childhood) and if you can get this person to love you, then YOU can believe you are loveable. The problem does not lie with the person you are wanting but the person who is doing the wanting.
The deep belief that creates this relationship trend is believing you must beg for love and that you might just be unlovable. So, going after what seems unattainable, will prove to all those around you and yourself that you truly are loveable. Unfortunately, what you project is what you receive.
If this describes your love life, it may be that while you believe you are looking for a relationship, you are in fact seeking infatuation. When someone comes along who wants to be with you and he or she is too easy-to-get, it does not arouse that “required level of insecurity.”
If you can’t feel those yearning, craving sensations, you think you aren’t “in love.” So, you keep pursuing partners who trigger your insecurity and offer an “emotional challenge” in order to arouse the biochemistry of infatuation. So what is this chase all about?
Many people who are afraid of commitment usually fear both abandonment and engulfment. Engulfment is when someone starts to want you back and the walls close in on you. You become overwhelmed by their expectations and fear you’ll have to abandon yourself completely!
To stay out of either thicket, abandonment or engulfment, you pursue unavailable partners as a way of avoiding the risk being either devastated by abandonment or strangulated by engulfment. Another cause lies buried in your early relationship with your parents. Maybe you felt rejected or dismissed, or struggled to win their approval or recognition.
To break the cycle
- The first step is to do a relationship review and recognize whether you have this problem.
- Question your motives: Are you looking for the emotional high of infatuation or seeking a trusting, loving, mutual relationship?
- Reexamine your values about who is a “good catch.” Revamp your old values left over, no doubt, from high school. You know, the ones based on looks, money, status and ego, rather than on his/her capacity for love and connection.
- Recognize these patterns don’t just go away because you’ve become aware of them. You have to change your behavior. Open yourself to new truths, new values, new experiences, and new people.
- Make breaking this pattern a primary goal of self-improvement and therapy. As you aim toward a higher view of yourself, you increase your capacity for mutual relationship. Seek life coaching or counseling. If you can’t afford that, invest in self esteem affirmation tracks to start changing old subconscious belief foundations.
- Be suspicious of your notion that you “just haven’t met the right person or you have met the right person and all you have to do is wait for them to see it too.”
- Ask your prospective lover or partner how they ended their past relationships. Reading between the lines, you may be able to spot an ‘abandoner’, someone who can’t commit and who blames it on their former partners’ supposed neediness in order to justify breaking up with them. Well yeah! We all act a little needy when someone we love pulls away from us.
- Learn to accept and receive being loved. The feelings of trust, mutuality and security are different from the intense emotional high aroused by insecurity. After pursuing unavailable partners, being loved by someone who actually wants to be with you may take getting used to.
- Learn how to build intimacy by sharing your true self, flaws and all. That means that as you begin to trust your own instincts, you increasingly share from your true emotional self.
Susan Z’s Verdict
If you have been involved with someone more than 6 months and you still don’t know where you stand in terms of how they feel about you or if there is a future, re-evaluate what you are waiting for? For them to make the decision you are loveable or for you to make the decision you are loveable.
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Susan Z Rich is an emotional addiction counselor, spiritual intuitive and holistic therapist. She counsels others to see life in a more positive way and teaches personal accountability for life choices. She is also the author of several children’s books and Soul Windows…Secrets From The Divine.