Bringing Closure To A Hurtful Breakup

Bringing Closure To A Hurtful Breakup

We’ve all had our hearts broken at least a couple times in our life or felt the major disappointment on how a relationship turned out. Sometimes we have that one broken heart that is just seems like we will never get over and stays with us far longer that it should.

If you sit down with a group of people who are discussing that “big” heartbreak that finally did them in and ask how they finally got over them, the same answer comes up everytime. It is not the forgetting, the crying, the anger, the sense of betrayal or disappointment that finally goes away, it is the realization of why it did not work out. That is what they call “closure”.

There are many blogs on the internet on what to do when you want to “get over” someone who has broken your heart. You can do all of them but until you finally embrace “why?” the relationship did not make it, it will stay with you like a bad penny and everytime you hear their name or find out a piece of information about them (it is easy enough with social media), you will still feel that little hurtful pang. Some of the suggestions to help “get over” the hurtful relationship is great, but they still will not bring closure.

1. Remove all physical reminders of the relationship from your space.
2. Move to another space if you lived with your ex.
3. Cut off contact with your ex. No texting, calling or emailing to “just say hi”.
4. Write a goodbye letter to your ex. Writing down your thoughts and emotions can be a good way to process them and move one step closer to getting over your ex.
5. Do a letting go ritual. A letting go ritual can help you feel better about the end of the relationship. This could be a simple act like lighting a candle and letting it burn until you feel you have burned it out, cord cutting ritual or taking that goodbye letter…. burn it and then throw the ashes to the wind.
6. Talk it out with your friends and family about your emotions. Avoid bottling up your emotions and allow yourself to speak about the break up to others.
7. Work on forgiving your ex. Forgiveness can be an essential part of letting go.

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Lingering pain

OK, so now you have done all the getting over it rituals but you can still feel the pain lingering on in your heart. The advice that ‘only you can give yourself closure’ is absolutely correct. It offers the person who has been broken up with the illusion of control in a situation where realistically you had no control over and that is why closure is so hard to come by and why it is the essential step past just letting it go. When someone is rejected and refused honest answers about why the relationship ended, they are left without their dignity.

According to phenomenological research, “closure is knowing the reason a romantic relationship was terminated and no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain, allowing for the establishment of new and healthy relationships.” We are all responsible for our own lives but the devastation that comes from a break up is not only caused by the partnership that is lost, but also by the lack of clarity about why the relationship ended. This is why knowing the reason for a break-up matters so much in the healing process. If you have not been told why the relationship has ended, then do it for yourself.

1. Write down what didn’t work out in the relationship in regards to differences in beliefs, actions and verbiage.
2. List everything you wanted out of the relationship and didn’t get.
3. Be honest with yourself on any disrespectful, demeaning or abusive behavior towards you that you overlooked just to keep them.

Those are the reasons your relationship did not work out and if you have to read the list 100 times a day, you will finally understand why you are not together.

When a one-sided break-up occurs, it traumatically interrupts the story for the person on the receiving end, particularly if the break-up was unexpected. By knowing the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out, it helps the person who has been broken up with make closure.

The initiator of the break-up has already sorted out his or her story, so there is no further information you can get from them to help you bring closure. This one is all on you sweetie and once you realistically look at the reasons why the relationship did not work out, you can begin the process of closure, not just letting it go but real closure.

Susan Z

Susan Z Rich is an emotional addiction counselor, spiritual intuitive and holistic therapist. She counsels others to see life in a more positive way and teaches personal accountability for life choices. She is also the author of several children’s books and Soul Windows…Secrets From The Divine.