Fighting in Relationships: How to do it Right

Fighting in Relationships: How to do it Right

We all would like to think that somehow everything that comes up as an issue in a relationship can be resolved without fighting but that LaLa land, so far, has not been created. If you are with anyone for a period of time, there will be fights. It is rules you fight with is the telling outcome if the relationship will last or not.

Most people think fighting is a bad thing. It is a popular myth that the goal of a perfect relationship is to be conflict free. In fact, relationships where two people never fight are nearly always filled with repressed resentments that eventually explode into severe arguments that can do more damage in one knock down fight than 100 little spats.

Partners in these types of relationships are not used to managing conflict on a regular basis, so neither one has the skills necessary to solve the problems that have come up.

Embracing conflict

When occasional conflict is seen as tool to move you towards resolution and bring you together, it becomes something not to run away from but something to embrace for the betterment of your relationship.

When both partners realize the connection between problem-solving and love and acceptance, fighting becomes an opportunity to strengthen a union between two people. Arriving at resolutions deepens your love and appreciation for each other and what you share with one another.

How two people decide to manage their conflict can make all of the difference between a relationship that works and one that ultimately doesn’t.

14 rules of fighting fair

Following the rules of fighting fairly, you will be able to lessen the damaging impact of conflict and arrive at satisfying resolutions which will carry the relationship into the future. Here are some basic guidelines from the experts on fighting fair in a relationship. These rules not only apply to romantic relationships but on any level of friendship or familial associations.

1. No raising of voices, screaming or yelling over your partner. No constructive resolutions are ever made when you know someone is not listening to you.
2. No sarcasm or put-downs. Keep it mature and don’t allow yourself to drop down to the level of a five-year-old when you are having a disagreement.
3. Be specific about what YOU are thinking and how YOU are feeling. Stay out of the verbiage, “You are, you did or you said.”
4. Delay any controversial issue till later if there is alcohol or drugs involved.
5. Stop talking long enough to listen to what is being said to you so you can fully understand their point of view.
6. Be willing to take a big grown up leap of faith and “agree to disagree.” Sometimes there is just no middle ground.
7. Don’t drag in the past. If an old issue is not resolved, leave it. Keep the fight about what is going on at present.
8. Don’t go for the jugular with cruel, demeaning and disrespectful comments that you can NEVER take back or they can NEVER unhear.
9. Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking and feeling and then go about telling them.
10. Don’t intimidate by using threats, implied or otherwise. A healthy relationship thrives on real intimacy and mutual respect, neither of which can exist in a threatening atmosphere.
11. Leave out the words “always” and “never” in explaining why you are angry. No one, “always” does something nor does anyone “never” do something.
12. Never argue when you are tired. Sleep on it and address the issue when well rested and perhaps with a different perspective in the daylight.
13. Admit it when you are at fault. Real strength in a relationship definitely does not mean,” never having to say you’re sorry.” Admit it when you might just possibly be in the wrong.”
14. After having a good spat, celebrate making up together with something special between the two of you. Sex is always a first go to but try and take it beyond that: dinner, flowers, movie, stroll on the beach, picnic…anything that both of you enjoy.

Susan Z

Susan Z Rich is an emotional addiction counselor, spiritual intuitive and holistic therapist. She counsels others to see life in a more positive way and teaches personal accountability for life choices. She is also the author of several children’s books and Soul Windows…Secrets From The Divine.