Letting go of relationship regrets

Letting go of relationship regrets

“If Only,” are the two most dangerous words in weighing in on a lost love or one that you are presently in. The famous words of “Could have, should have or would have” are emotionally crippling and does not allow you to move on or face the reality of a situation you are dealing with at the moment.

I had a very dear friend that when she would speak of past relationships and how things could have turned out, she would use the phrase, “What is, what is.” It used to piss me off royally as I looked at it as a cop out of not taking responsibility for her decisions or choices. What I now realize in her more advanced wisdom and outlook, was that she was saying you just move on without regret. It keeps the guilt, blame and feelings of failure down to a minimum.

What makes those regret phrases so dangerous, is they actually distract us from the real cause of our unhappiness. Those make believe and wishful outcomes, decisions and choices are not real and the opportunity is long gone to have even the slightest chance of making them, if you even had them, real.

It continually has us looking for someone or something outside ourselves, believing that you had some control over changing how others behave in order to feel better about the relationship and your participation in it.

The truth is, none of those “if only’s” will make us feel happy about an inevitable outcome that is based on the reactions, behavior and feelings of someone else responding to what you might have done differently.

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According to the relationship experts, if you go within and take accountability for your decisions with the following attitude, it will begin to alleviate the burden of regret you may carry and more than likely, really had no control over anyway.

1. Accept the truth that whatever decision you made in the moment, seemed like a good idea at the time. No one can accurately predict the outcome of their decisions until after the fact. We make our choices based on what we have in front of us at the time. We have no way of knowing what will follow after we have made it.
2. You CANNOT control the ripple effect of any decision you make in a relationship. Even a small choice in a relationship can cause “The Butterfly Effect.” How, in any way, could you have known that by not going to that party with your partner, that he would meet someone new or that one comment or action from you would change his opinion of your relationship?
3. Life is a project that unfolds through experience and being aware of how your actions, words and behavior can change everything that is familiar to you in one moment, to something else in another. If you are constantly thinking of an alternative universe scenario that you could have possibly saved your relationship or gotten that guy, you miss the power of what you have created in the moment.
4. We learn from our mistakes and so do others. I often give this advice in counseling when someone has gone through a hard learning experience, by making a choice of hooking up with a self-centered asshole who broke their heart in a million pieces that NOW! they know for sure what they don’t ever want to have again. They know what it looks like and will avoid it like a plague in future relationships.
5. Accept without question that whatever choices and decisions you made are in the past and that is where they need to stay. You now have the opportunity to see and feel your own power within by forgiving yourself. OR….you can continually beat yourself up for it, ruminate over it, try to make sense of it and replay it over and over again. Choose the kinder version of viewing your past choices and decisions. The past is done but the future can be brighter if we elect to learn from our decisions, whether they be right, wrong, stupid or lame.

(READ: Being Comfortable Alone)

Susan Z

Susan Z Rich is an emotional addiction counselor, spiritual intuitive and holistic therapist. She counsels others to see life in a more positive way and teaches personal accountability for life choices. She is also the author of several children’s books and Soul Windows…Secrets From The Divine.