Life & Love

Stop Sabotaging Relationships: Part 2


Self-Doubt, the Relationship Killer

This is Part 2 of this mini-series, to read Part 1, click here.

So, what makes you put the false mask on when you first meet someone, self-doubt. Self-doubt is the ultimate self-betrayal to you because YOU are the one telling yourself that you CAN’T or SHOULDN’T do what you WANT to do!

Self-doubt is the most damaging and self-defeating behavior there is because it is criticism that comes from within and makes you second guess that what you are bringing to the table is less than. What happens when we experience self-doubt?

It creates an inner tug-of-war between wanting to do something and then, almost simultaneously, feeling like you can’t or shouldn’t do it. You feel excited and motivated and then suddenly you feel immobilized and defeated. It causes YOU to stop YOURSELF from doing something you actually WANT to do or say.

Self-doubt is the act of criticizing yourself before anyone else has the chance. It is the ultimate betrayal! YOU are telling yourself you are not worthy of presenting the true you to someone and have them actually want you.

What to do about continually self-sabotaging your relationships and maybe just life in general? Start feeling better about yourself, who you are and what you offer as an individual. Here are a few suggestions that can start that process.

How to stop sabotaging relationships

  1. 1. Look for the common thread of behavior in every relationship that ends abruptly, that would be YOU! Recognize a behavior pattern that begins right before the abrupt end or ghosting happens.
  2. 2. Stop the inner dialogue of “what is wrong with me?” Start listening to positive thinking affirmation tracks or reading helpful books about your behavior quirks. DO SOMETHING!
  3. 3. Listen to your inner voice talking to you. Disapproval is not personal. If he doesn’t like you or want to be with you, you are not the only woman in the world who has experienced this feeling. If it is repeatedly something you deal with, then make it about you changing how you feel about yourself and the rejection will stop.
  4. 4. Stop being comfortable with failure. You KNOW how to deal with heartbreak, learn how to accept the possibility of actually being happy in a relationship.
  5. 5. Let go of trying to control the “end game.” Be real with yourself and ask if you purposely sabotage a relationship in fear of the belief that it is too good to last anyway.
  6. 6. Remember that successful relationships are not always black and white. It isn’t always perfect and so don’t expect it to be.
  7. 7. Give yourself a chance to get comfortable in a relationship and believe after the niceties are over, they will still like you.
  8. 8. Don’t use practicality and logistics as an excuse. They are always a good excuse for your subconscious to self-sabotage a relationship. He is too young, too old, lives too far away, is too busy at work etc.
  9. 9. Get over the loss of independence fear. If you stay authentic, you will not be totally absorbed by the person you are interested in and hold onto your identity.

Susan Z’s Verdict

Whether you self sabotage a relationship going in or going out, once you address the common thread of behavior of self-doubt, the chances of having and keeping a successful relationship start changing to a higher percentage. Self sabotage in any area of your life is one of the hardest personal self-examinations to start and to recognize but if you are willing to address that you are the common factor in each situation, it is a beginning.

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